Episode 5 - 8.9.21 - Empaths, HSPs, and the Dark Triads
Episode 5 – 8.9.21 – Mental Heath Monday
Empaths, Dark Empaths and Highly Sensitive People
Hello! And welcome to Episode 5 of the Recovering Trash
Person Podcast! Today is Mental Health Monday and I am going to discuss the
differences and similarities between Empaths and Highly Sensitive People (or
HSPs) and also discuss a topic that has come to my attention in the past year:
The Dark Empath.
I, personally, identify with both labels empath and HSP.
First, let’s define all of three.
Medical News Today defines Empath as: “someone who feels
more empathy than the average person. These people are usually more accurate in recognizing emotions by looking
at another person’s face. They are also more likely to recognize emotions
earlier than other people and rate those emotions as being more intense.”
Dr. Judith
Orloff explains the difference between an empath and an HSP: “Empaths share all the traits of what Dr. Elaine
Aron has called “Highly Sensitive People,” or HSPs. These include a low
threshold for stimulation, the need for alone time, sensitivity to light,
sound, and smell, plus an aversion to large groups. It also takes highly
sensitive people longer to wind down after a busy day since their system’s
ability to transition from high stimulation to being quiet is slower. Highly
sensitive people are typically introverts whereas empaths can be introverts or
extroverts, (though most are introverts). Empaths share a highly sensitive
person’s love of nature, quiet environments, desire to help others, and a rich
inner life.”
And
finally, a Dark Empath: “Empaths easily feel others’ emotions and
are known for experiencing overwhelm in the face of intense intimacy,
criticism, or stimulation. In contrast, toxic archetypes often possess the dark
triad of traits. Narcissism, Machiavellianism, and Psychopathy.
They have an inflated sense
of superiority and entitlement, exploit and manipulate others, and are often
seen as cold-hearted cynics. Since these two characters appear to be total opposites,
it may be surprising to hear that there are people who fall into both
categories. These people are classified as dark empaths.
Let’s pause for a moment and not gloss over the dark triad
of traits: Narcissism, Machiavellianism, and Psychopathy (especially as words
like narcissist and empath have become buzzwords in mainstream media as of
late). Mindtools.com defines the three as:
·
“Narcissism: narcissism comes from the Greek
myth of Narcissus, a hunter who fell in love with his own reflection in a pool
of water, and drowned. Narcissistic people can be selfish, boastful, arrogant,
lacking in empathy, and hypersensitive to criticism.
·
Machiavellianism: the word comes from the renowned
16th century Italian politician and diplomat Niccolo Machiavelli. He earned
notoriety when his 1513 book, "The Prince," was interpreted as an
endorsement of the dark arts of cunning and deceit in diplomacy. Traits
associated with Machiavellianism include duplicity, manipulation,
self-interest, and a lack of both emotion and morality.
·
Psychopathy: personality traits associated with
psychopathy include a lack of empathy or remorse, antisocial behavior, and
being manipulative and volatile. It's important to note that there is a
distinction between psychopathic traits and being a psychopath, with its
commonly held association with criminal violence.”
Okay, so what does all of this mean? Now that we have a
background of these traits, let’s talk about how to know distinguish if you
yourself can identify with any of these categories, or perhaps someone in your
life can.
In Dr. Orloff’s book The Empath’s Survival Guide:
Life Strategies for Sensitive People, “she lists her top 10 traits of an empath.
- Empaths are highly sensitive. (Note from me: keep in
mind, all empaths tend to be HSPs, but not all HSPs have to be empaths)
- Empaths absorb other people’s emotions. (Note from me:
most of my colleagues in the mental health field (or any helping
professions) identify as empaths and also identify empathy/compassion
fatigue as reasons for workplace burn out, according to Betterup.com)
- Many empaths are introverted. (Note from me: makes
sense since overstimulation can feel uncomfortable and overwhelming)
- Empaths are highly intuitive. (Note from me: being
adept at reading people’s emotions from verbal and nonverbal cues, it
makes sense empaths would possess highly intuitive traits)
- Empaths need alone time. (Note from me: going back to
the discussion of overstimulation and the connection with introversion,
needing alone time to recharge is essential)
- Empaths can become overwhelmed in intimate
relationships. (Note from me: given that empaths absorb everyone’s
emotions, it makes sense the emotions of their significant others would
become overwhelming at times and to tie in codependency, this is where
many empaths will assume their partner’s bad mood is directly related to
them and up to them to fix)
- Empaths are targets for energy vampires. (Note from me:
kind of touching on the dark triad and Dark Empath, this dynamic seems
perfect in its dysfunction)
- Empaths become replenished in nature. (Note from me:
even though I self-identify as an indoor kid and don’t like to get dirty
or sweaty, it is undeniable that I feel refreshed, happier and more at peace
after spending time in nature)
- Empaths have highly tuned senses. (Note from me: from
my experience, I have the hardest time with light and sound sensitivity,
especially if I am already overstimulated. When feeling like this, I often
seek a cold, dark room to recollect)
- Empaths have huge hearts but sometimes give too much.
(Note from me: this pairs with the emotional vampire. Because empaths can
feel things so deeply, that includes someone else’s pain and distress and
we want to help fix that, but if paired with a ‘give an inch take a mile’
kind of person it can lead to a real imbalance of the relationship.”
Dr. Elain Aron asks these questions on her website as a
self-test for someone who may be seeking more information on whether or not
they are an HSP:
“Is this you?
- Are you easily overwhelmed by
such things as bright lights, strong smells, coarse fabrics, or sirens
nearby? (Note from me: As a child I can remember the tags in my shirts and
the line of my sock being daily aggravations and even now, there are
certain times I am more sensitive to how clothes feel and can often be
seen wearing shirts inside out to avoid feeling tags or seams)
- Do you get rattled when you
have a lot to do in a short amount of time? (When I schedule too many
obligations in one day, I often become so overwhelmed I “stall out” (as I
call it) and become paralyzed about where to start, what to do first and
often feel compelled to cancel everything)
- Do you make a point of
avoiding violent movies and TV shows? (Note from me: Interesting fun fact.
I love thriller/suspense/horror movies and always have, but as I’ve gotten
older I have less tolerance for gratuitous violence (think Saw movies))
- Do you need to withdraw during
busy days, into bed or a darkened room or some other place where you can
have privacy and relief from the situation? (Note from me: when working as
a substance use counselor in an office setting, I would often feel so
depleted at the end of the day, I would need a nap (I’m talking several
hours) and many times quiet, alone time just to recalibrate back to
normal)
- Do you make it a high priority
to arrange your life to avoid upsetting or overwhelming situations? (Note
from me: I’m sure my own personal experiences of trauma and also my
codependency where I feel responsible for everyone’s happiness and fun
plays a part in that as well)
- Do you notice or enjoy
delicate or fine scents, tastes, sounds, or works of art? (Note from me: I
often become overwhelmed with emotion when I hear a song that speaks to me
or read a piece of writing that resonates and sometimes that emotion comes
with tears)
- Do you have a rich and complex
inner life? (Note from me: It wasn’t until recently I learned not everyone
does! I always attributed it to my anxiety and constant loops of obsessive
and ruminating thoughts, but I have a rich inner life even when I am not
experiencing symptoms)
- When you were a child, did
your parents or teachers see you as sensitive or shy? (Note from me: I was
consistently called ‘too sensitive’ in my childhood and gaslit to believe
my feelings were inaccurate)
Interestingpsychology.org
describes the 7 Traits of a Dark Empath as:
1 – Open Behavior
Dark empaths are
characterized by more extroverted, dynamic behaviors of high openness. They
generally have exceptional social skills, and you might find them explaining
their perspective or expressing their inner thoughts with ease.
2 – Narcissistic And Neurotic Tendencies
Some dark empaths are clearly
narcissists, while others hide their narcissism deep down. Either way, this
personality trait is extremely vulnerable to their self-centered nature.
You can tell when someone is
a victim of their own narcissism when they take things too personally.
Criticism and negativity directed toward them often cause pain, and they can
also be described as rejection-sensitive. The word NO can cut like a knife.
3 – Tend To Be Talented
I hope you didn’t expect
everything about this personality type
to be negative, because dark empaths tend to possess remarkable and sometimes
unexplainable natural talents. And it helps that they rarely abandon their
goals.
With dedication and the
ability to make quick decisions, these people are often phenomenal leaders who
easily understand and connect with others.
4 – Like To Have Power
While most people enjoy and
even desire power, a hunger for power is a dominant key character trait of
traditional dark triads who typically like to be the ones in charge all the
time.
What sets dark empaths apart
from the classic dark triads is that they display participatory leadership.
That means they despise following others, but they don’t always want to lead
either.
5 – Emotionally Manipulative
Dark empaths tend to be primarily
defined by their exceptional skills at emotional manipulation,
and THIS is what makes them so dangerous. Even though they won’t physically
harm you, they can leave deep emotional scars.
For dark empaths, empathy is
a tool. It helps them understand others so that they can get what they want.
6 – Good At Guilt Tripping People
A guilt trip is a form of
emotional manipulation,
and dark empaths are well-known for their skill in this regard.
While dark triads often lack
empathy and struggle to understand emotion, dark empaths understand
others’ emotions with
ease, particularly shame and obligation, which helps to fuel the guilt-trip
when using it.
7 – Relish In Malicious Humor
The superiority complex that
dark empaths tout is like a fire that requires fuel to burn. And if you
accidentally extinguish a little bit of the flames, the dark empath will often
add more fuel with a scorching intensity. But instead of gasoline, these personality types
prefer malicious humor.
Especially jokes that target
others’ weaknesses and insecurities. They enjoy laughing at people they see as
beneath them, and these judgments are often rooted in prejudice.
I feel Dark Empaths is what Dr. Orloff refers to when she
lists that empaths attract emotional vampires. And what is so tricky is because
dark empaths ARE empathic, it may take years to discover their intentions are
not honest. And it’s possible the Dark Empath themselves cannot see their own
manipulation and narcissism. The article from Interestingpsychology.org goes on
to say that while the concept of Dark Empath may seem new to us, this
personality type has been around for centuries and is often depicted in film
and books as mysterious and evil, but who we learn DOES have a heart. This
redeeming quality is likely what keeps HSPs and Empaths in the toxic dynamic
with a Dark Empath, because we can see they mean well and are good-intentioned,
all the things we say when we find ourselves in an abusive dynamic. Because the
Dark Empath has moments of seemingly genuine empathy, love, and compassion, we
find it hard to believe the toxic parts of their personality as just an
authentic and can chalk it up to undue amounts of stress or major life changes.
We make excuses. And for many Empaths ad HSPs, we may have been raised in
environments that taught us to reject our intuition, cater to the toxic
people’s emotions and needs, and ignore our own. This foundation makes it easy
to form relationships with Dark Empaths, almost like two puzzle pieces clicking
together: the one who is ready to give and the one who is ready to take.
Facing the reality of this dynamic can take time and a whole
lot of energy most of us Empaths and HSPs just don’t have the mental space for.
Many times, it might take a major event or enough space from the relationship
to really see the effects of this toxicity. It can leave one feeling
emotionally drained, not good enough, falling short, and even used.
I had difficulty finding resources on how to manage and cope
with your relationship with a Dark Empath, but I did find an article about
managing a relationship with someone who is narcissistic and given that tends
to be a stand out trait in Dark Empathy, it seems fitting. Also, keep in mind, you
are not required to work on a relationship that no longer suits you or one that
is toxic and/or abusive. You always have choice and this list of “how to deal
with a narcissist” is by no means advocating for staying in a situation that
has become damaging. Oftentimes, breaking away from said relationship takes
time. That’s what this list is meant for. From Healthline.com How to Deal with a Narcissist:
1.
See them for who they really are –
remember this when the individual inevitably tries to charm, guilt, or court
you back into the dynamic. Try to watch the person objectively when they don’t
know they are being watched and see what you observe.
2.
Break the spell and stop focusing on them
– attention is their fuel and their need for attention is usually an unfillable
cup, they may not stop requiring more and more from you – take time for
yourself and remind yourself of what you have going for you
3.
Speak up for yourself – the way in which
one goes about this varies depending on the kind of relationship you have with
the individual. If it is an in-law or co-worker, be conscious to not give in to
the reaction they expect. If it is someone in your personal life, it is
imperative to speak up or risk being railroaded indefinitely. Keep in mind, it
is likely the individual will have a tough time understanding why you feel the
way you do, no matter how thoughtfully or eloquently you express yourself.
4.
Set clear boundaries – some of you might
be wondering why someone who is narcissistic would give a fuck about your
boundaries, but the gag is once it starts impacting them they do tend to
listen. But make sure your boundaries are clear and consistent and that you
follow through. The first sense of flexibility in boundaries will indicate
there is room for negotiation.
5.
Expect them to push back – oftentimes,
when someone does begin to set boundaries the individual with narcissism may
come back with a guilt trip, feigning ignorance over the issues, and may even
demand things of you. Stay firm.
6.
Remember that you’re not at fault – I
cannot tell you how many times I have apologized in toxic relationships for
shit I didn’t even do, just to keep the peace and avoid conflict. This only
negates your boundary setting and speaking up for yourself and provides the
individual with narcissism an out for their behavior.
7.
Find a support system – the initial
identification of being in a toxic relationship with someone who is a Dark
Empath and/or narcissist can be extremely liberating and eye-opening. Soon,
though, the impact of the relationship and the potential fallout can leave you
feeling insecure, vulnerable, and confused. A support system is essential.
Please know you are not alone, you are not crazy, and your
feelings are valid.
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***please note, transcripts are word docs I write before I
record and may not match my words exactly if I make a change off the cuff!***
References
Dr. Judith Orloff: https://drjudithorloff.com/the-difference-between-empaths-and-highly-sensitive-people/
Definition of empath: https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/what-is-an-empath
Dr. Elaine Aron: https://hsperson.com/
Dark Triad: https://www.mindtools.com/pages/article/understanding-dark-triad.htm
10 traits of an empath: https://hipandhealthy.com/10-traits-of-an-empath/
HSP traits: https://creeksidetherapycenter.com/2019/09/15/the-highly-sensitive-person-explained/
Dark Empath traits: https://interestingpsychology.com/mental-health/7-traits-of-a-dark-empath-the-most-dangerous-personality-type/3/
Empathy/compassion fatigue: https://www.betterup.com/blog/empathy-and-compassion-fatigue
How to deal with narcissist: https://www.healthline.com/health/how-to-deal-with-a-narcissist#remember-the-truth
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