Episode 5 - 8.9.21 - Empaths, HSPs, and the Dark Triads

Episode 5 – 8.9.21 – Mental Heath Monday

Empaths, Dark Empaths and Highly Sensitive People

Hello! And welcome to Episode 5 of the Recovering Trash Person Podcast! Today is Mental Health Monday and I am going to discuss the differences and similarities between Empaths and Highly Sensitive People (or HSPs) and also discuss a topic that has come to my attention in the past year: The Dark Empath.

I, personally, identify with both labels empath and HSP.

First, let’s define all of three.

Medical News Today defines Empath as: “someone who feels more empathy than the average person. These people are usually more accurate in recognizing emotions by looking at another person’s face. They are also more likely to recognize emotions earlier than other people and rate those emotions as being more intense.”

Dr. Judith Orloff explains the difference between an empath and an HSP: “Empaths share all the traits of what Dr. Elaine Aron has called “Highly Sensitive People,” or HSPs. These include a low threshold for stimulation, the need for alone time, sensitivity to light, sound, and smell, plus an aversion to large groups. It also takes highly sensitive people longer to wind down after a busy day since their system’s ability to transition from high stimulation to being quiet is slower. Highly sensitive people are typically introverts whereas empaths can be introverts or extroverts, (though most are introverts). Empaths share a highly sensitive person’s love of nature, quiet environments, desire to help others, and a rich inner life.”

And finally, a Dark Empath: “Empaths easily feel others’ emotions and are known for experiencing overwhelm in the face of intense intimacy, criticism, or stimulation. In contrast, toxic archetypes often possess the dark triad of traits. Narcissism, Machiavellianism, and Psychopathy.

They have an inflated sense of superiority and entitlement, exploit and manipulate others, and are often seen as cold-hearted cynics. Since these two characters appear to be total opposites, it may be surprising to hear that there are people who fall into both categories. These people are classified as dark empaths.

Let’s pause for a moment and not gloss over the dark triad of traits: Narcissism, Machiavellianism, and Psychopathy (especially as words like narcissist and empath have become buzzwords in mainstream media as of late). Mindtools.com defines the three as:

· “Narcissism: narcissism comes from the Greek myth of Narcissus, a hunter who fell in love with his own reflection in a pool of water, and drowned. Narcissistic people can be selfish, boastful, arrogant, lacking in empathy, and hypersensitive to criticism.

· Machiavellianism: the word comes from the renowned 16th century Italian politician and diplomat Niccolo Machiavelli. He earned notoriety when his 1513 book, "The Prince," was interpreted as an endorsement of the dark arts of cunning and deceit in diplomacy. Traits associated with Machiavellianism include duplicity, manipulation, self-interest, and a lack of both emotion and morality.

· Psychopathy: personality traits associated with psychopathy include a lack of empathy or remorse, antisocial behavior, and being manipulative and volatile. It's important to note that there is a distinction between psychopathic traits and being a psychopath, with its commonly held association with criminal violence.”

Okay, so what does all of this mean? Now that we have a background of these traits, let’s talk about how to know distinguish if you yourself can identify with any of these categories, or perhaps someone in your life can.

In Dr. Orloff’s book The Empath’s Survival Guide: Life Strategies for Sensitive People, “she lists her top 10 traits of an empath.

Empaths are highly sensitive. (Note from me: keep in mind, all empaths tend to be HSPs, but not all HSPs have to be empaths)
Empaths absorb other people’s emotions. (Note from me: most of my colleagues in the mental health field (or any helping professions) identify as empaths and also identify empathy/compassion fatigue as reasons for workplace burn out, according to Betterup.com)
Many empaths are introverted. (Note from me: makes sense since overstimulation can feel uncomfortable and overwhelming)
Empaths are highly intuitive. (Note from me: being adept at reading people’s emotions from verbal and nonverbal cues, it makes sense empaths would possess highly intuitive traits)
Empaths need alone time. (Note from me: going back to the discussion of overstimulation and the connection with introversion, needing alone time to recharge is essential)
Empaths can become overwhelmed in intimate relationships. (Note from me: given that empaths absorb everyone’s emotions, it makes sense the emotions of their significant others would become overwhelming at times and to tie in codependency, this is where many empaths will assume their partner’s bad mood is directly related to them and up to them to fix)
Empaths are targets for energy vampires. (Note from me: kind of touching on the dark triad and Dark Empath, this dynamic seems perfect in its dysfunction)
Empaths become replenished in nature. (Note from me: even though I self-identify as an indoor kid and don’t like to get dirty or sweaty, it is undeniable that I feel refreshed, happier and more at peace after spending time in nature)
Empaths have highly tuned senses. (Note from me: from my experience, I have the hardest time with light and sound sensitivity, especially if I am already overstimulated. When feeling like this, I often seek a cold, dark room to recollect)
Empaths have huge hearts but sometimes give too much. (Note from me: this pairs with the emotional vampire. Because empaths can feel things so deeply, that includes someone else’s pain and distress and we want to help fix that, but if paired with a ‘give an inch take a mile’ kind of person it can lead to a real imbalance of the relationship.”

Dr. Elain Aron asks these questions on her website as a self-test for someone who may be seeking more information on whether or not they are an HSP:

“Is this you?

Are you easily overwhelmed by such things as bright lights, strong smells, coarse fabrics, or sirens nearby? (Note from me: As a child I can remember the tags in my shirts and the line of my sock being daily aggravations and even now, there are certain times I am more sensitive to how clothes feel and can often be seen wearing shirts inside out to avoid feeling tags or seams)
Do you get rattled when you have a lot to do in a short amount of time? (When I schedule too many obligations in one day, I often become so overwhelmed I “stall out” (as I call it) and become paralyzed about where to start, what to do first and often feel compelled to cancel everything)
Do you make a point of avoiding violent movies and TV shows? (Note from me: Interesting fun fact. I love thriller/suspense/horror movies and always have, but as I’ve gotten older I have less tolerance for gratuitous violence (think Saw movies))
Do you need to withdraw during busy days, into bed or a darkened room or some other place where you can have privacy and relief from the situation? (Note from me: when working as a substance use counselor in an office setting, I would often feel so depleted at the end of the day, I would need a nap (I’m talking several hours) and many times quiet, alone time just to recalibrate back to normal)
Do you make it a high priority to arrange your life to avoid upsetting or overwhelming situations? (Note from me: I’m sure my own personal experiences of trauma and also my codependency where I feel responsible for everyone’s happiness and fun plays a part in that as well)
Do you notice or enjoy delicate or fine scents, tastes, sounds, or works of art? (Note from me: I often become overwhelmed with emotion when I hear a song that speaks to me or read a piece of writing that resonates and sometimes that emotion comes with tears)
Do you have a rich and complex inner life? (Note from me: It wasn’t until recently I learned not everyone does! I always attributed it to my anxiety and constant loops of obsessive and ruminating thoughts, but I have a rich inner life even when I am not experiencing symptoms)
When you were a child, did your parents or teachers see you as sensitive or shy? (Note from me: I was consistently called ‘too sensitive’ in my childhood and gaslit to believe my feelings were inaccurate)

Interestingpsychology.org describes the 7 Traits of a Dark Empath as:

1 – Open Behavior

Dark empaths are characterized by more extroverted, dynamic behaviors of high openness. They generally have exceptional social skills, and you might find them explaining their perspective or expressing their inner thoughts with ease.

2 – Narcissistic And Neurotic Tendencies

Some dark empaths are clearly narcissists, while others hide their narcissism deep down. Either way, this personality trait is extremely vulnerable to their self-centered nature.

You can tell when someone is a victim of their own narcissism when they take things too personally. Criticism and negativity directed toward them often cause pain, and they can also be described as rejection-sensitive. The word NO can cut like a knife.

3 – Tend To Be Talented

I hope you didn’t expect everything about this personality type to be negative, because dark empaths tend to possess remarkable and sometimes unexplainable natural talents. And it helps that they rarely abandon their goals.

With dedication and the ability to make quick decisions, these people are often phenomenal leaders who easily understand and connect with others.

4 – Like To Have Power

While most people enjoy and even desire power, a hunger for power is a dominant key character trait of traditional dark triads who typically like to be the ones in charge all the time.

What sets dark empaths apart from the classic dark triads is that they display participatory leadership. That means they despise following others, but they don’t always want to lead either.

5 – Emotionally Manipulative

Dark empaths tend to be primarily defined by their exceptional skills at emotional manipulation, and THIS is what makes them so dangerous. Even though they won’t physically harm you, they can leave deep emotional scars.

For dark empaths, empathy is a tool. It helps them understand others so that they can get what they want.

6 – Good At Guilt Tripping People

A guilt trip is a form of emotional manipulation, and dark empaths are well-known for their skill in this regard.

While dark triads often lack empathy and struggle to understand emotion, dark empaths understand others’ emotions with ease, particularly shame and obligation, which helps to fuel the guilt-trip when using it.

7 – Relish In Malicious Humor

The superiority complex that dark empaths tout is like a fire that requires fuel to burn. And if you accidentally extinguish a little bit of the flames, the dark empath will often add more fuel with a scorching intensity. But instead of gasoline, these personality types prefer malicious humor.

Especially jokes that target others’ weaknesses and insecurities. They enjoy laughing at people they see as beneath them, and these judgments are often rooted in prejudice.

I feel Dark Empaths is what Dr. Orloff refers to when she lists that empaths attract emotional vampires. And what is so tricky is because dark empaths ARE empathic, it may take years to discover their intentions are not honest. And it’s possible the Dark Empath themselves cannot see their own manipulation and narcissism. The article from Interestingpsychology.org goes on to say that while the concept of Dark Empath may seem new to us, this personality type has been around for centuries and is often depicted in film and books as mysterious and evil, but who we learn DOES have a heart. This redeeming quality is likely what keeps HSPs and Empaths in the toxic dynamic with a Dark Empath, because we can see they mean well and are good-intentioned, all the things we say when we find ourselves in an abusive dynamic. Because the Dark Empath has moments of seemingly genuine empathy, love, and compassion, we find it hard to believe the toxic parts of their personality as just an authentic and can chalk it up to undue amounts of stress or major life changes. We make excuses. And for many Empaths ad HSPs, we may have been raised in environments that taught us to reject our intuition, cater to the toxic people’s emotions and needs, and ignore our own. This foundation makes it easy to form relationships with Dark Empaths, almost like two puzzle pieces clicking together: the one who is ready to give and the one who is ready to take.

Facing the reality of this dynamic can take time and a whole lot of energy most of us Empaths and HSPs just don’t have the mental space for. Many times, it might take a major event or enough space from the relationship to really see the effects of this toxicity. It can leave one feeling emotionally drained, not good enough, falling short, and even used.

I had difficulty finding resources on how to manage and cope with your relationship with a Dark Empath, but I did find an article about managing a relationship with someone who is narcissistic and given that tends to be a stand out trait in Dark Empathy, it seems fitting. Also, keep in mind, you are not required to work on a relationship that no longer suits you or one that is toxic and/or abusive. You always have choice and this list of “how to deal with a narcissist” is by no means advocating for staying in a situation that has become damaging. Oftentimes, breaking away from said relationship takes time. That’s what this list is meant for. From Healthline.com How to Deal with a Narcissist:

1. See them for who they really are – remember this when the individual inevitably tries to charm, guilt, or court you back into the dynamic. Try to watch the person objectively when they don’t know they are being watched and see what you observe.

2. Break the spell and stop focusing on them – attention is their fuel and their need for attention is usually an unfillable cup, they may not stop requiring more and more from you – take time for yourself and remind yourself of what you have going for you

3. Speak up for yourself – the way in which one goes about this varies depending on the kind of relationship you have with the individual. If it is an in-law or co-worker, be conscious to not give in to the reaction they expect. If it is someone in your personal life, it is imperative to speak up or risk being railroaded indefinitely. Keep in mind, it is likely the individual will have a tough time understanding why you feel the way you do, no matter how thoughtfully or eloquently you express yourself.

4. Set clear boundaries – some of you might be wondering why someone who is narcissistic would give a fuck about your boundaries, but the gag is once it starts impacting them they do tend to listen. But make sure your boundaries are clear and consistent and that you follow through. The first sense of flexibility in boundaries will indicate there is room for negotiation.

5. Expect them to push back – oftentimes, when someone does begin to set boundaries the individual with narcissism may come back with a guilt trip, feigning ignorance over the issues, and may even demand things of you. Stay firm.

6. Remember that you’re not at fault – I cannot tell you how many times I have apologized in toxic relationships for shit I didn’t even do, just to keep the peace and avoid conflict. This only negates your boundary setting and speaking up for yourself and provides the individual with narcissism an out for their behavior.

7. Find a support system – the initial identification of being in a toxic relationship with someone who is a Dark Empath and/or narcissist can be extremely liberating and eye-opening. Soon, though, the impact of the relationship and the potential fallout can leave you feeling insecure, vulnerable, and confused. A support system is essential.

Please know you are not alone, you are not crazy, and your feelings are valid.

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***please note, transcripts are word docs I write before I record and may not match my words exactly if I make a change off the cuff!***

References

Dr. Judith Orloff: https://drjudithorloff.com/the-difference-between-empaths-and-highly-sensitive-people/

Definition of empath: https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/what-is-an-empath

Dr. Elaine Aron: https://hsperson.com/

Dark Triad: https://www.mindtools.com/pages/article/understanding-dark-triad.htm